Kevin Chilcott
Luthier
HUMOUR
"MUSICIAN" JOKES !
These have come down from Big Norm : - 28th February 2002.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar.
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth .
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I.
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door ?
The knock gets faster.
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them.
What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless.
What's the definition of a minor second ?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world -
because so
much of it has passed through saxophones.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions:
an in-tune
tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus ?
The out of tune tenor sax player.
The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar
have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax ?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn
mower and don't return it.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a
light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax ?
Add vibrato.
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece
suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ....."
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test ?
Drool.
What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna
fish ?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw ?
The exhaust.
How many drummers does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
None. They have machines to do that now.
Two guys were walking down the street ...one was
destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play ?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
Why bury guitar players 6 feet under ?
Because deep down they're all very nice people.
and.....
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes,
decides to change his instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion.
So he goes to the music store and says to the
owner,
"I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says
"All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says,
"I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says,
"You're a drummer, aren't you ?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says,
"How did you know ?"
The store owner says,
"That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
Thanks Norm.
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